You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
