Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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