Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We left the knife in your bed.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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