I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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