Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
