he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And then he peed in my hair
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