eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
