It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
