Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
