I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
