You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
