When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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