Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
that's an acceptable place to lick
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
