Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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