sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
