this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
