fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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