My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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