I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
