1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
