The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
