im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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