I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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