My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I need moral support for this bender
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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