listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
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His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
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I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize