My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
