Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
