Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
