oh god the rape fog is back!
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
