Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
