i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me