She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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