I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I don't deserve a penis
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
