Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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