i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
