Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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