That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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