after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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