so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she told me i tasted like america
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
