two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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