I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
