She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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