I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
