Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
