I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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