I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
