youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
