Kareoke will never be a sober sport
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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