my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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