If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
