i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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