is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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