there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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