Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I am never drinking with the goths again.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
