Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
