My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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