I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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