When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
