Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
