some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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